Jesus: The Freshmaker
All About My Buddy Jesus
This here, you might have guessed, is my buddy, Jesus. Sometimes we call him the Jesus Christ: The Freshmaker, cuz he knows how to crack anyone up doin stuff like this, its wicked.
Me and him go a long way back, i met him when i was in grade school. I met him when a bunch of the seventh-graders were pickin on me, and he came and beat them down for me, it was great. Hes such a tough guy its unreal, man! He can shoot lasers out his eyes, and he can kill you by surprise!
When we were in high school, he was the coolest, everybody wanted to be him, he was so awesome! He would use his x-ray vision to find all the geeks that the bad kids used to lock in the lockers, and then he busted them out with his SuperJesus combination lock code cracking powers!
Jesus is a cookie eating machine, he only likes the oreos though. He can polish off 3 bags of oreos for lunch no problem, im not even kidding the guys an oreo fiend i tell ya! I tried to get him hooked on those Dad's brand cookies, but he didnt like em, he REALLY didnt like em! Even those goodie ring things, he totally doesnt like them, theyre like kryptonite to him, he kicked my ass when i gave him those. i learned my lesson.
But hes a nice guy tho, he drives the busses around the city now, and he always hooks me up with free busrides, so thats cool. hes such an awesome driver, you might even say hes a miracle worker when it comes to manouvering that bus thru traffic, this one time there was this woman that was pregnant and he had to step on it to get her to the hospital quickly, and he was weavin in and out of the traffic and stuff, it was nuts, but he made it. we were all like woah man, you really know how to move this fuggin bus man, youre unreal!
Back in 2002, Jesus got gunned down by a pack of vicious jehovas witnesses. it was a sad day, i lost my best buddy that day. Or so i thought, he got right back up like five minutes later and knifed them right back. YOU MAH BOI JESUS! NOBODY GUNS YOU DOWN AND GETS AWAY WITH IT! GIMME FIVE DUDE! Jesus is hardcore man, hes got mad skills, you dont mess with Jesus, never, dont even think about it.
Never get Jesus angry! This one time, he went all ape-crazy and was terrorizing the city, it took a hella lotta luck and patience to convince him to come back to his senses and get down off that tower, and to stop punching things. Jesus gets mad and starts punching things sometimes if you call him a name he doesnt like. Since everyones always talking about him, alot of people have made up all sorts of nicknames for him, and he doesnt like them. In order to educate you so that you know what names make him freak out and punch you, i will put a list of some of these names for you, along with a rating of how much they piss him off.